We All Have Our Secrets

Here's a scenario we've all been in: you're chatting with a group of friends and you come up with the perfect thing to say, but not quickly enough to keep up with the flow of conversation. The subject moves on before you can say the perfect thing and you feel like you've lost points. And then there are times when you just can't let it go, so you keep thinking of your precious perfect thing instead of paying attention to whatever subject has replaced it. So then somebody asks you what you think about the current crisis in Ottawa and you dumbly try to reverse the whole conversation back to pornography so that you can admit that you starred in dozens of adult films during your mid-twenties.

That's apparently what happened to Ken, anyway.

We were having a nice dinner on Jack and Kayla Shaffer's patio, co-starring my famous potato casserole, when Ken decided that Canadian politics weren't as interesting as Jack's joke about the porno actress on her wedding night. That's when he told us about his short-lived acting career. We thought he was joking at first.

"Right," Jack said in response. "Me too! I starred in two pornos back-to-back this morning. Threw my back out."

We all laughed and I began to quietly wonder if I wanted to take some potato salad home with me for later. I would need to get it into the Shaffer's fridge until I left so the mayo wouldn't spoil.

"No, seriously," Ken said. "This was almost twenty years ago. I was working as a bartender in Miami and this really hot girl saw me behind the bar and handed me a card. When I called her up later for a date, she asked me if I'd do some nude modelling for her. I thought she was just being funny."

Many people have asked me how I make such an awesome potato salad. I usually joked with them that I bought it at the Kroger's deli and added a pinch of salt. But the truth was more complicated than that. It involved buying those little red potatoes at just the right time and boiling them to perfection. I also liked to peel the skin off, showing no red. That way they wouldn't know if I used the little red potatoes or not.

"So, the next thing I know, I'm 'Bobby Buttz' and doing up to five scenes a week." Ken said as Kayla's mouth slowly fell open. She probably wouldn't want seconds on the potato salad, but Jack might, considering he had gone through three glasses of wine already and appeared to be moving onto hard liquor.

Speaking of wine, I've always believed in making your own vinegar for potato salad. One part water and one part dessert wine, though some people would go two parts wine. Half and half was plenty for mine, especially with a good sherry. There would be a tartness, sure, but the dab of sweetness couldn't be beat. It also made a hell of a good vinaigrette to go on salads. Perfect for the summer months.

"Men, women, it didn't matter. By that point, cocaine was calling the shots and I was just along for the ride." Ken or Bobby or whoever said. It appeared that Kayla and Jack had actually rented a few of his movies back in the day. What a small world.

I always wanted to make my own mayonnaise too, but I was a klutz when it came to adding the oil while whisking the egg mix. I always just got the store-bought kind and added a little paprika to spice it up a bit. I would feel a little guilty because of course everybody assumed the mayo was homemade, but I never got complaints, so I didn't feel that guilty.

Just then I noticed that everybody was looking at me. Jack was holding Kayla, who seemed to be pretty upset. Ken had broken a glass or a plate and was picking pieces up off the ground.

"Is anybody going to want anymore potato salad?" I asked. "I'm just going to pop it in the fridge, if that's okay."

From the floor of the Shaffer's patio, Ken shot me a look that made me feel ridiculous. There were tears in his eyes.

"Yes, I want more potato salad," he said. "It's the only reason I came over here tonight!"