Dirt Bike Armada (1988)

Dirt Bike Armada is a 1988 action comedy starring Alfie Schultz as Donny "Kickstand" Harris. The film was directed by Reginald Crowley (fresh off his Golden Globes-nominated miniseries, Another Blackout in Electric City) and features Lowell Armingham (Brain Lasers), Heather DeLaney (Operation: Vigilante U.S.A. II), Tim Conway (The Apple Dumpling Gang) as the mischievous Mr. Humbert, and Mr. T as himself.

The plot concerns twelve-year-old "Kickstand" Harris (Schultz), who is a self-proclaimed dirt bike champion, though he hasn't mastered all the skills just yet. After several humiliating attempts to win Clover City's monthly dirt bike tournament, the "Corduroy Challenge", Kickstand decides that he needs a new Yamaha GT-X to effectively compete. He takes a summer job from a local store owner, Mr. Humbert (Conway), as a cold-hearted assassin, violently murdering several town officials and an elderly criminal-turned-informant awaiting trial.

Along the way, Kickstand develops romantic feelings for a girl two years his senior, Lily (DeLaney), and tries to gain her affection away from her jealous boyfriend, Chester (Armingham), who is also Kickstand's biggest rival for the upcoming Corduroy Challenge. Fighting the impulse to use his assassin skills to solve his problem (knowing that a non-professional kill will damn his soul to Hell), Kickstand relies on his extensive memory of riddles and jokes to earn Lily's interest, which infuriates Chester.

Seeking revenge, Chester steals Kickstand's GT-X money out of his ceramic Mr. T bank. Once he realizes that he has been robbed, Kickstand asks Mr. Humbert for the use of his ancient amulet to peer into the souls of Clover City's townspeople. Hiding in the bushes outside of the rollerskating rink that night, he spies on Lily and Chester and notices that Chester's soul looks like a blood-soaked dagger, identifying him as the culprit. Kickstand then implores Mr. Humbert to grant him an armada of dirt bikes, promising to pay him back with the Corduroy Challenge prize money and five more assassinations.

With the dirt bike armada in his power, Kickstand uses the fleet (manned by the ghosts of dead teenagers) to terrorize Chester during the tournament. They run him off the road, throw sharp tacks in front of his tires, and shout troubling descriptions of the afterlife. Mr. Humbert activates his amulet to hypnotically inform the audience of Chester's misdeeds and they somberly enjoy the wacky action with silent satisfaction. Kickstand wins the tournament and Mr. T himself presents the new champ with a trophy, prize money, and a lengthy speech about the history of bicycles (rumored to be improvised by Mr. T during filming).

After the ceremony, Mr. Humbert informs Kickstand that he is so proud of him that he can keep his prize money and there will be no more assassinations. However, he goes on to say that a by-product of controlling the dirt bike armada means that Kickstand can never physically love a woman. He also reveals that Lily and her parents have been banished to a mystical floating island over a lost sea. Mr. Humbert then vanishes into thin air and Kickstand screams to the heavens. Chester, still visibly shaken from the hideous visage of spirits from beyond the grave besting him during the Corduroy Challenge, concedes victory to Kickstand and they bitterly shake hands.

The film ends with a blooper reel of actor Tim Conway messing up many of his lines and shouting threats at the child stars.

Dirt Bike Armada was a financial powerhouse in the summer of 1988, grossing $48,000,000 at the domestic box office and an additional $3 million from foreign markets. Its soundtrack spawned several hit songs, including the ubiquitous "Boys Gotta Ride" by C.C. Cobalt. However, the film received mixed-to-poor reviews, with several critics later citing the film as the worst of the decade. Further damning the film's legacy was Yamaha's contractual insistence that the production use its infamously flawed "Gilded Throttle" series, resulting in many on-set accidents and derision from dirt bike aficionados.

A rumored sequel, entitled Tales from the Dirt Bike Freeway, was cancelled in October of 1988 due to a studio accountant absconding to rural New Mexico with the first film's profits. Alfie Schultz quit show business the following year, famously lamenting, "I don't like Mondays."

The Extra

At nine a.m., John arrived at the old church where the production assistant had told him to go. They were providing food for anyone that wanted it, but he'd eaten before he left the hotel that morning, eager to get started on that day's scene. And even though he would just be a background player in the film, he had heard enough about the script to know that this would be a project in which he desperately wanted to be involved.

After letting the wardrobe dept. approve his suit, John entered the old church where another P.A. asked him to sit in a pew near the front. The scene was to involve a preacher delivering a sermon. However, murmurs began circulating that the actor playing the preacher had not arrived on set. John was afraid that they would need to shut down production for the day, but then the film's director approached him and asked that he take the role of the preacher. John was very nervous about the offer, but he had some acting training and felt that he could play the part if it would help the producers stay on schedule.

Wardrobe fitted him with the proper attire and John looked over the preacher's lines of dialogue. He became concerned. He'd heard that the script was about a town that was on the verge of transition and the lines reflected approval of the approaching changes. John was not very religious, but he understood that clergymen were oftentimes very conservative and not open to revolutionary ideas. The P.A. then appeared and told John it was time to go to his position.

The church was crowded with extras and the production crew, but John maintained his calm and took his place behind the lectern. He closed his eyes and breathed in the dusty air, finding the preacher inside of him. The large room was quieted and the director called "action."

At that moment, John froze. He had memorized the lines, but these words suddenly didn't make sense to the preacher that now possessed his mind and body. John looked to the ground, steadied his hands on the sides of the lectern, and looked up to his congregation. He knew what he had to do.

"Now a lot of the young people in this here town have been asking why I outlawed dancing in this here town," he began. A few shocked people behind the camera began muttering, but the director hushed them all. John continued his improvised speech.

"I outlawed dancing because it is evil and, in the wrong hands, it can be very sensual too, which I don't think many of the older people in this here town would appreciate. Isn't that right?"

Silence.

"I said, isn't that right?"

"Amen!" someone finally shouted from the back of the church. It was the film's star, Kevin, standing next to the director. He gave John a thumbs up and John, still in character, nodded to him.

He continued improvising dialogue in this way for several minutes, fashioning a back story for not only the preacher, but for the whole town too. John decided that the star's love interest should be the preacher's daughter, so he cleverly inserted that storyline into his monologue as well. He slammed his hand on the lectern to emphasize declarations and held the prop bible up high to show his conviction. Sweat poured from his face as he brought the speech to a rousing conclusion, at which everyone in the church then shouted back a hearty "Amen!"

A hush then fell over the room. John again looked to the floor, fearful that he had ruined the take with his improvisation. Then the room erupted in applause. The director and star approached him, saying that he may have saved the movie with his additions. They would re-shoot several key scenes in order to adopt the new approach, regardless of the extra money it would cost them personally. John smiled and said he was glad to help. He then offered several musical selections from his personal record collection to serve as the film's soundtrack, including Deniece Williams, Mike Reno, and Kenny Loggins, whose contribution would replace the film's original title, "No Dance Town".