So, in the spirit of ridiculousness, I'd like to share with you my idea of how that plot plays out, sight unseen. And, like someone who answers "C" for every question on a multiple choice quiz, I promise that I'll do my best to accidentally get some things right along the way. Here we go.
Beverly Hills Cop III, As Told By Someone Who Hasn't Seen It
I assume that at the conclusion of Beverly Hills Cop II, Axel decides to leave Detroit and relocate to California permanently. The BHPD don't really love that they've been shown up twice by the brash young cop, but they respect the results he gets (and secretly think he's pretty awesome). The third movie opens with Axel lounging by the pool at the Beverly Hilton. He's sipping a fruity-looking drink, scoping out the babes, and we see that he has truly become a "Beverly Hills" cop. He jokes with a male poolside attendant, something like:
"These women are beautiful. I don't even know which parts of them are real and I'm getting excited."
Axel would probably do that trademarked "Eddie Murphy laugh" after saying this, but I'm not going keep writing that every time I think it would happen - just assume it happens a lot.
Suddenly, Axel sees some sort of shady deal go down over by the poolside tiki bar (of course there's a tiki bar) and he pulls a gun and badge out from underneath a towel with the Hilton logo on it. It's a fake out - he's undercover! He talks into his wristwatch and describes the people involved: a smoking hot blonde in a tight neon dress and a small bald man in a suit. He stows the gun and badge in his swimsuit and walks to the bar. The suspects are just about to switch briefcases when Axel approaches them with a huge smile.
"Look at you, you foxy thing," he says to the girl. "Lookin' all fine for your special day by the pool."
Axel makes a few jokes at the bald dude's expense and eventually the bald man excuses himself to go inside, grabbing the briefcase furthest from him as he leaves. Axel decides to leave the blonde at the bar and follow the guy. Inside we see the two other cops from these movies, Rosewood and Taggart (yeah, I had to look their names up), wearing ridiculous Hawaiian shirts and Rosewood (played by Judge Reinhold) is in much-too-short shorts. Axel sees the bald dude and chases him, yelling at the other guys to go for the blonde outside. Action scene, action scene, Axel catches the bald dude, but he's ditched the suitcase. The blonde also split before Rosewood and Taggart could find her, so it looks like the mission is a bust. But then Axel spots the bald dude's briefcase behind a potted plant and they find a bunch of...I don't know, guns? Drugs? Does it matter? Let's just call it the Merchandise. The important thing is the blonde appears to be supplying the illegal goods, so she's the main villain now. I think Bridgitte Nielsen might have been in this one. (Your author looks it up.) Nope, that was Part II. Well, let's just call this villain Blondie. But try to not picture Debbie Harry from the rock band Blondie. And certainly not Blondie from the classic comic strip. Just picture a pretty blond lady. There you go.
Anyway, they find out from the bald dude that Blondie is moving the Merchandise all over town. Axel makes a few jokes and then goes to see Bronson Pinchot, who is the effeminate French guy in these movies. Axel gets more information from him, something about a warehouse. After that, Axel goes to an expensive restaurant to meet up with the gorgeous woman that he saved at the conclusion of the second movie. He tells her a little about the case and says something about going to Disneyland when it's all over. (You see, I know he's going there anyway, so it's going to be hilarious when...okay, you get it.) Oh, and Axel also makes fun of how expensive the food is and how small the portions are. Something like:
"Oh no, I think these are prices for the cars I saw parked outside." And to the waiter, "I'm sorry, but is there a seafood buffet in back that I'm not seeing?"
Then it's the following day and Axel is back at BHPD headquarters, wearing that cool jacket he wears on the first movie's poster. Rosewood and Taggart, dressed in their boring suits, tell him that they found the warehouse and they head for the door. Axel makes fun of a cop that they pass by on the way out. Always with the jokes, this guy.
They get to the warehouse and, after some witty banter about what they should do now, Axel decides to drop all pretenses and just barge inside. They are ready for action, but it appears to be a normal factory that makes something L.A.-ish...rollerblades, I guess. They find Blondie in one of the offices upstairs. She tells them that she's never been to the Hilton and is not their briefcase woman. Axel asks her if she wouldn't mind going down to the station to see if the bald dude recognizes her. At that invitation, she reveals that she doesn't have to do what he says because she's personal friends with the mayor of Beverly Hills. Taggart, the oldest of the cops, tells Axel that she's right and that he recognizes her from the newspaper. Blondie asks them to leave and introduces a suspicious guy that works for her. Let's call him McHenchman. On their way out, Axel tells her that he'll be back with an arrest warrant and, her back turned, he steals a pair of bright pink rollerblades. Oh, and he notices a magazine on a desk that's opened to an ad for Disneyland, which has been circled in red.
Later, after failing to get a warrant for Blondie's arrest, Axel and the boys go to one of those cop bars from the movies, the kind where only a few people are there and the bartender is a tough woman that all the guys openly love. A ZZ Top song, commissioned by the film's producers, plays on the jukebox. Oh, this takes place in 1990's L.A., so Taggart politely asks a smoker to finish his cigarette outside. Anyway, they discuss the case and decide to follow McHenchman the next day. Then suddenly one of those guys that was supposed to take care of Cameron's dad's car in Ferris Bueller's Day Off walks in, points a gun at the bartender, and demands all the money from the register. Axel smiles and tells him it's not his day as everybody behind him takes out their guns and badges. The robber does one of those "aw, man" faces.
The next day, they tail McHenchman from the warehouse to Venice Beach. He carries a briefcase through the hundreds of people that flock to the promenade each day, passing some strongmen at Muscle Beach and a weird mime. Axel follows him while wearing the pink rollerblades from the warehouse. McHenchman spots Axel and chase, chase, chase. "The Heat is On" by Glenn Frey plays. (I had to look this up too, because how is this song not by Kenny Loggins?)
After unsuccessfully trying to hide in a novelty beach towel store, McHenchman steals a bike and Axel chases him all the way to the Santa Monica pier, where Taggart and Rosewood are driving a car on the main strip, yelling at people, "Get out of the way!" Finally, Axel tackles McHenchman in front of some fishermen at the end of the pier, before he can dive into the water and...I don't know, escape forever to live in the ocean. Axel makes a Jaws reference and McHenchman reveals that a big score is going down the next day at Disneyland and that Blondie will definitely be there.
That night, Axel goes Griffith Park, which is always open in movies, to meet his gorgeous girlfriend and they have a small argument about him not being ready to get married. (I think you see where this is going.) Axel makes a joke, she smiles, and the weird way that the scene fades out at the end suggests that they make love in the back row of the observatory, which would be odd.
The next day, Axel and the other cops arrive at Disneyland. There are way too many establishing shots of all the amazing rides and happy attendees, and it's not nearly as crowded as it is in real life. Oh, I also know that George Lucas has a cameo here, so that happens. They've brought McHenchman with them to lead them to the big score, but Rosewood keeps getting distracted by all the cool stuff they keep passing. Taggart says he loves Disneyland, but the character Goofy freaks him out. To that, Axel says something like:
"Aw c'mon, Goofy's the man. You just need to let your inner kid out and embrace the magic." (Sidenote: I love it when Eddie Murphy sells cheesy lines like these. Even Haunted Mansion almost works because of it.)
They make their way to Space Mountain and McHenchman tells Axel that the big score is going down in the ride's control center. Axel leaves him with the others and goes around to the back. He waits till someone dressed like Donald Duck opens the "Employees Only" entrance. (I don't know why a costumed character would do that, but it can't be just a normal guy that opens the door.) Axel goes inside and tensely steps down a dark hallway. We can hear the awesomeness of the ride through the walls. Eventually, Axel finds Blondie and a couple of Japanese men in the control room, surrounded by large crates. He spies on them as they share important details about the big score they are currently engaged in. Axel reveals himself, holding out his gun and he says something like:
"It looks like you're trying to make the happiest place on earth a little happier." Well, he'd say that if it were a drug deal. If not, he'd say something like, "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was the line for Pirates of the Caribbean."
The Japanese guys pull out uzi guns and start shooting. Axel ducks behind a control thing and fires a couple of shots back, taking one of the guys down as Blondie escapes. Axel shoots down the other Japanese guys and runs to find Blondie. He sees her enter into the ride section of the building and follows her into the darkness of Space Mountain. There are some lights here and there but Axel narrowly avoids getting hit by several roller coaster cars. Finally, he finds the exit and gets outside, where Blondie is waiting to greet him - with Axel's gorgeous girlfriend! She has a gun pointed at the girl's side and darn...I just realized I never gave the girlfriend a name. Typical male writer BS, right? I mean, I could go back and fix it, but I'm trying to be more honest in my writing. Perhaps the rest of this piece should be about this issue. Hmm, some other time, maybe.
So, Blondie leads Axel's girlfriend away from Space Mountain, through a crowd of people, as Axel watches on helplessly. Once they're gone, Axel runs to the other side of the building and tells Taggart and Rosewood what just happened. They handcuff McHenchman to a whimsical street lamp and go after Blondie.
We see Blondie leading Axel's girlfriend through the passageway under the big castle till they arrive at the Matterhorn ride. (Yes, I know this geography for Disneyland is way off and, yes, I know the name of the castle) Blondie waves her gun at the people waiting in line, scaring them away. Two people dressed like Chip and Dale are scared away too.
Blondie forces Axel's girlfriend to board the ride. They take one of the bobsled cars to near the top and Blondie removes the girl from the car and ties her to the large, hairy Yeti animatronic, which (she explains to Axel's girlfriend) she rigged earlier that week with a time-controlled explosive. She sets it for five minutes and rides the bobsled to the bottom. At the ride's exit, Blondie gets out of the car and Axel tackles her, having used movie magic to figure out where she was going. He asks her what she's done with his girlfriend, Amber. (Amber! Now how difficult was that?) Blondie explains the situation with the bomb and tells Axel that he can follow her or save his girlfriend. She backs away smiling as Axel looks up and sees Amber tied to the Yeti. Blondie shoots a small control box and runs away.
Axel attempts to use the control box to make the roller coaster cars work, but it's now broken. He taps his foot on the track, testing it for electric shocks. It's safe and he begins running and jumping his way to Amber. At one point, he almost falls and hangs off the side of the tracks. (I'm pretty sure I saw that on a poster or something.) Taggart and Rosewood run up below him and tell him they'll help, but Axel says forget it and for them to go after Blondie. They do so and he climbs up and finally gets to Amber. He calms her, but is obviously scared. With only seconds to spare, Axel disarms the bomb. He covers Amber's face with kisses and tells her that he would like marry her as soon as possible. He then says something like:
"Oh, and I'm gonna knock out anybody that compares our marriage to a roller coaster." (I think I've heard this expression before, but this joke works better if Amber has said something to a similar effect earlier in the movie.)
Back in the parking lot, we see Blondie arguing aloud to herself over where she parked. She turns a corner and finds Taggart and Rosewood, backed by enough police cars and cops to fill the entire aspect ratio. Just as Taggart is about to say something clever, he sees someone dressed as Goofy walking in the distance. His face freezes in terror and he emits a high-pitched whine.
"Three Days Later", Axel and the boys drive down La Brea in a convertible. They are all wearing tuxedos, dressed for Axel and Amber's wedding. The guys tease Axel, who is clearly nervous about getting married. Taggart tells him some happy memories from his first marriage, and Rosewood points out that it ended in a messy divorce, which cost Taggart his house and car. They come to a stoplight and Rosewood begins to compare marriage to a roller coaster. Axel perks up at this and his about to punch him, when the same robber who was foiled at the bar earlier approaches the driver side of the car. Confident, he orders them all to get out. The Beverly Hills cops smile at each other and calmly exit. Without warning, Axel slams the robber's head on the hood of the car and Taggart jams a gun into his side. Axel looks to Rosewood, who is on the other side of the car, and says something like:
"You know, I'm gonna miss this stuff during my honeymoon."
They all laugh and robber gives that same "aw, man" face from earlier. "The Heat is On" begins playing again and the credits roll.
The End
There you have it. I'm sorry if you were expecting something campier, like Axel breaking the fourth wall or jokes referencing Another 48 Hrs. and The Golden Child. For this, I honestly tried my best to imagine what the movie's plot could possibly be, based on what little information I have about it (including that it's a famously terrible movie). I kind of regret not including more Beverly Hills landmarks, like Rodeo Drive or Greystone Mansion, but I figured if the movie is going to Disneyland anyway, then I was free to include Griffith Park and Venice. I guess that's all I have, except to add that I currently have zero plans to ever watch Beverly Hills Cop III. Goodnight!
1 comment:
Serge
Bronson Pinchot is named Serge
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