My shower is a blueprint
to plan arguments, with imagined points
and counterpoints,
building steely architecture in free form design
as I wash my face again.
What I'm saying is
you don't have to be here
for me to treat you like an obstacle.
I'll find every crack in your surface,
like water seeping in.
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Brief Entrapments
You know how in movies when someone can't pay their check at a restaurant, how the manager makes them wash dishes to pay off the bill? Well, I tried that at Oakland Bar & Grill and they called the cops. However, I couldn't pay to get out of jail, so the cops made me a temporary policeman to pay them back for my stay. Here's what happened.
My first assignment was to hang out by a car impound lot and bust people trying to steal their vehicles back. I stood next to a nearby bus stop and tried my best to look nonchalant. This involved updating some services on my phone and apologizing to several bus drivers for not needing a ride anywhere. However, it wasn't long before a middle-aged guy came along, looking very suspicious.
The man threw his jacket over the razor wire and scaled the fence. I moved closer to the entrance just in time to see the head of a crowbar appear between the doors of the gate as he pried it open from the inside. I jumped up against a wall to hide. After several tense moments, an engine roared to life from inside and the man sped away in a flashy sports car. I used this opportunity to retrieve my own car, which had been towed to that same lot the previous week. However, a couple more people tried the same thing later that night and I nabbed them. The cops, satisfied that I could handle the basics, gave me a new assignment.
The cops put me undercover at a Renaissance fair. They had a hunch that the week-long event was really a front for a big drug smuggling operation, so they got me a job there selling meats on sticks. I was given tights to help me fit in with the dress code, but I still wore socks so that I would have a place to put a little gun that I had bought online. It wasn't long before a guy in a cape came along, looking very suspicious.
The man asked me if I wanted to buy, sell, or trade something for drugs. I didn't want to seem too eager for any transaction so I asked him about his family and where he grew up, getting in close. He asked me about my family and I opened up about some stuff I don't want to go into here, but I ended up quitting my beloved stick meat job at the fair to go find myself. Several weeks later the cops caught up with me and told me that I was lucky - the guy in the cape was also undercover, paying them back for stealing impounded cars. I would like to tell you it was the same guy from before, but I'm 99% sure it wasn't. Anyway, I came back to the city and the cops told me they had one more job for me to do before they would forgive my debt.
My last assignment was to take down a fellow cop that was accepting bribes from a dangerous criminal syndicate known as the "Top Heavies". The bad cop's name was Nolan, but I hadn't taken the time to learn everybody's name and I was too embarrassed to ask the other cops for help. After a few days of getting that straight, I disguised myself as a mailman and started tailing her on her beat. Oh, did I not mention that Nolan was a woman? I didn't think that I had to, sexist. Unless you thought that the cop's first name was Nolan, which is pretty much exclusively a guy's name. I would understand that.
A man in a cape approached her, looking very suspicious. It was the same guy from the Renaissance fair - it's the awesome coincidence that makes this a great story! He gave her a envelope and Nolan comically acted like she was weighing it with her hand. Nodding, the man gave her a briefcase and then, third time being a charm, a sack with a dollar sign on it. She placed all of these things into the trunk of a flashy sports car (again, not the one from the impound lot - sorry) and produced an important-looking file. I yanked off my mailbag and grabbed for the little gun in my sock, yelling for them to freeze.
Unfortunately, the gun's barrel had slipped and lodged into the top part of my shoe so that I looked like an ordinary mailman angrily tying his shoelaces. Also, "freeze" had come out more like "bees", so it was very confusing. The man in the cape started to ask me if I'd seen any bees around, but then he recognized me from the Renaissance fair and quickly ran off, not wanting to hear any more of my life story.
I finally got my sock gun dislodged, but then Nolan, who really didn't know what was going on, told me to drop it. Outranked and ready to call it a day, I followed her instructions. Luckily, the man in the cape had dropped the important-looking file, which was later returned to the department as evidence. The cops tussled my hair, told me to keep my nose clean, and gave me a certificate for a free appetizer of my choice at Oakland Bar & Grill.
I should tell you that this was a few years ago, so I don't know if this kind of stuff still happens today. If you were to try the same thing, they might make you act like a criminal in a police lineup or wash the mustard stains out of their uniforms. Some of those cops might not even work there anymore. But it was a special time in my life, a trial by fire that left first degree burns on my soul. And more importantly, even to this very day, it's a personal reminder to always bring money to restaurants.
My first assignment was to hang out by a car impound lot and bust people trying to steal their vehicles back. I stood next to a nearby bus stop and tried my best to look nonchalant. This involved updating some services on my phone and apologizing to several bus drivers for not needing a ride anywhere. However, it wasn't long before a middle-aged guy came along, looking very suspicious.
The man threw his jacket over the razor wire and scaled the fence. I moved closer to the entrance just in time to see the head of a crowbar appear between the doors of the gate as he pried it open from the inside. I jumped up against a wall to hide. After several tense moments, an engine roared to life from inside and the man sped away in a flashy sports car. I used this opportunity to retrieve my own car, which had been towed to that same lot the previous week. However, a couple more people tried the same thing later that night and I nabbed them. The cops, satisfied that I could handle the basics, gave me a new assignment.
The cops put me undercover at a Renaissance fair. They had a hunch that the week-long event was really a front for a big drug smuggling operation, so they got me a job there selling meats on sticks. I was given tights to help me fit in with the dress code, but I still wore socks so that I would have a place to put a little gun that I had bought online. It wasn't long before a guy in a cape came along, looking very suspicious.
The man asked me if I wanted to buy, sell, or trade something for drugs. I didn't want to seem too eager for any transaction so I asked him about his family and where he grew up, getting in close. He asked me about my family and I opened up about some stuff I don't want to go into here, but I ended up quitting my beloved stick meat job at the fair to go find myself. Several weeks later the cops caught up with me and told me that I was lucky - the guy in the cape was also undercover, paying them back for stealing impounded cars. I would like to tell you it was the same guy from before, but I'm 99% sure it wasn't. Anyway, I came back to the city and the cops told me they had one more job for me to do before they would forgive my debt.
My last assignment was to take down a fellow cop that was accepting bribes from a dangerous criminal syndicate known as the "Top Heavies". The bad cop's name was Nolan, but I hadn't taken the time to learn everybody's name and I was too embarrassed to ask the other cops for help. After a few days of getting that straight, I disguised myself as a mailman and started tailing her on her beat. Oh, did I not mention that Nolan was a woman? I didn't think that I had to, sexist. Unless you thought that the cop's first name was Nolan, which is pretty much exclusively a guy's name. I would understand that.
A man in a cape approached her, looking very suspicious. It was the same guy from the Renaissance fair - it's the awesome coincidence that makes this a great story! He gave her a envelope and Nolan comically acted like she was weighing it with her hand. Nodding, the man gave her a briefcase and then, third time being a charm, a sack with a dollar sign on it. She placed all of these things into the trunk of a flashy sports car (again, not the one from the impound lot - sorry) and produced an important-looking file. I yanked off my mailbag and grabbed for the little gun in my sock, yelling for them to freeze.
Unfortunately, the gun's barrel had slipped and lodged into the top part of my shoe so that I looked like an ordinary mailman angrily tying his shoelaces. Also, "freeze" had come out more like "bees", so it was very confusing. The man in the cape started to ask me if I'd seen any bees around, but then he recognized me from the Renaissance fair and quickly ran off, not wanting to hear any more of my life story.
I finally got my sock gun dislodged, but then Nolan, who really didn't know what was going on, told me to drop it. Outranked and ready to call it a day, I followed her instructions. Luckily, the man in the cape had dropped the important-looking file, which was later returned to the department as evidence. The cops tussled my hair, told me to keep my nose clean, and gave me a certificate for a free appetizer of my choice at Oakland Bar & Grill.
I should tell you that this was a few years ago, so I don't know if this kind of stuff still happens today. If you were to try the same thing, they might make you act like a criminal in a police lineup or wash the mustard stains out of their uniforms. Some of those cops might not even work there anymore. But it was a special time in my life, a trial by fire that left first degree burns on my soul. And more importantly, even to this very day, it's a personal reminder to always bring money to restaurants.
Selection
Selection from The Tenant's Sister:
Near tears in the living room, Ruby hung up on Virginia and decided she wouldn't answer the phone again for a week. Make that two, she thought.
She walked toward the kitchen to reheat her cup of coffee as the phone began ringing again. Ruby heard footsteps and looked up to see Johnny descending the stairs, finishing the top buttons on his shirt. Not noticing Ruby, he went to pick up the receiver.
"Don't," Ruby said.
Johnny eyed the phone a moment, then looked to her.
"Your sister?"
"I don't want to talk about it," Ruby said as she finally gripped her cold cup of coffee. Johnny shook his head and knelt down to unplug the phone cord.
**END OF SELECTION**
This short excerpt from the novel The Tenant's Sister (1957) highlights several technological advances that have occurred since partway through the past century. The most prominent, naturally, is the use of the telephone. While it is still possible to hang up on a caller, modern devices do not have receivers. Also, automatic caller ID allows us to see previous callers in the "call log" display. And finally, the selection ends with a cord being unplugged, suggesting that unlike a phone charger being unplugged, the device will not receive further calls until it is plugged in again.
Sharp-eyed viewers will also note that modern coffee maintains perfect temperature for weeks, the buttons on shirts have now been replaced with self-fastening microfibers that inform the Superiors of our coordinates at all times, and siblings are not allowed in this fresh hell that we call everyday life.
Also, nobody is named Virginia anymore.
Near tears in the living room, Ruby hung up on Virginia and decided she wouldn't answer the phone again for a week. Make that two, she thought.
She walked toward the kitchen to reheat her cup of coffee as the phone began ringing again. Ruby heard footsteps and looked up to see Johnny descending the stairs, finishing the top buttons on his shirt. Not noticing Ruby, he went to pick up the receiver.
"Don't," Ruby said.
Johnny eyed the phone a moment, then looked to her.
"Your sister?"
"I don't want to talk about it," Ruby said as she finally gripped her cold cup of coffee. Johnny shook his head and knelt down to unplug the phone cord.
**END OF SELECTION**
This short excerpt from the novel The Tenant's Sister (1957) highlights several technological advances that have occurred since partway through the past century. The most prominent, naturally, is the use of the telephone. While it is still possible to hang up on a caller, modern devices do not have receivers. Also, automatic caller ID allows us to see previous callers in the "call log" display. And finally, the selection ends with a cord being unplugged, suggesting that unlike a phone charger being unplugged, the device will not receive further calls until it is plugged in again.
Sharp-eyed viewers will also note that modern coffee maintains perfect temperature for weeks, the buttons on shirts have now been replaced with self-fastening microfibers that inform the Superiors of our coordinates at all times, and siblings are not allowed in this fresh hell that we call everyday life.
Also, nobody is named Virginia anymore.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Dirt Bike Armada (1988)
Dirt Bike Armada is a 1988 action comedy starring Alfie Schultz as Donny "Kickstand" Harris. The film was directed by Reginald Crowley (fresh off his Golden Globes-nominated miniseries, Another Blackout in Electric City) and features Lowell Armingham (Brain Lasers), Heather DeLaney (Operation: Vigilante U.S.A. II), Tim Conway (The Apple Dumpling Gang) as the mischievous Mr. Humbert, and Mr. T as himself.
The plot concerns twelve-year-old "Kickstand" Harris (Schultz), who is a self-proclaimed dirt bike champion, though he hasn't mastered all the skills just yet. After several humiliating attempts to win Clover City's monthly dirt bike tournament, the "Corduroy Challenge", Kickstand decides that he needs a new Yamaha GT-X to effectively compete. He takes a summer job from a local store owner, Mr. Humbert (Conway), as a cold-hearted assassin, violently murdering several town officials and an elderly criminal-turned-informant awaiting trial.
Along the way, Kickstand develops romantic feelings for a girl two years his senior, Lily (DeLaney), and tries to gain her affection away from her jealous boyfriend, Chester (Armingham), who is also Kickstand's biggest rival for the upcoming Corduroy Challenge. Fighting the impulse to use his assassin skills to solve his problem (knowing that a non-professional kill will damn his soul to Hell), Kickstand relies on his extensive memory of riddles and jokes to earn Lily's interest, which infuriates Chester.
Seeking revenge, Chester steals Kickstand's GT-X money out of his ceramic Mr. T bank. Once he realizes that he has been robbed, Kickstand asks Mr. Humbert for the use of his ancient amulet to peer into the souls of Clover City's townspeople. Hiding in the bushes outside of the rollerskating rink that night, he spies on Lily and Chester and notices that Chester's soul looks like a blood-soaked dagger, identifying him as the culprit. Kickstand then implores Mr. Humbert to grant him an armada of dirt bikes, promising to pay him back with the Corduroy Challenge prize money and five more assassinations.
With the dirt bike armada in his power, Kickstand uses the fleet (manned by the ghosts of dead teenagers) to terrorize Chester during the tournament. They run him off the road, throw sharp tacks in front of his tires, and shout troubling descriptions of the afterlife. Mr. Humbert activates his amulet to hypnotically inform the audience of Chester's misdeeds and they somberly enjoy the wacky action with silent satisfaction. Kickstand wins the tournament and Mr. T himself presents the new champ with a trophy, prize money, and a lengthy speech about the history of bicycles (rumored to be improvised by Mr. T during filming).
After the ceremony, Mr. Humbert informs Kickstand that he is so proud of him that he can keep his prize money and there will be no more assassinations. However, he goes on to say that a by-product of controlling the dirt bike armada means that Kickstand can never physically love a woman. He also reveals that Lily and her parents have been banished to a mystical floating island over a lost sea. Mr. Humbert then vanishes into thin air and Kickstand screams to the heavens. Chester, still visibly shaken from the hideous visage of spirits from beyond the grave besting him during the Corduroy Challenge, concedes victory to Kickstand and they bitterly shake hands.
The film ends with a blooper reel of actor Tim Conway messing up many of his lines and shouting threats at the child stars.
Dirt Bike Armada was a financial powerhouse in the summer of 1988, grossing $48,000,000 at the domestic box office and an additional $3 million from foreign markets. Its soundtrack spawned several hit songs, including the ubiquitous "Boys Gotta Ride" by C.C. Cobalt. However, the film received mixed-to-poor reviews, with several critics later citing the film as the worst of the decade. Further damning the film's legacy was Yamaha's contractual insistence that the production use its infamously flawed "Gilded Throttle" series, resulting in many on-set accidents and derision from dirt bike aficionados.
A rumored sequel, entitled Tales from the Dirt Bike Freeway, was cancelled in October of 1988 due to a studio accountant absconding to rural New Mexico with the first film's profits. Alfie Schultz quit show business the following year, famously lamenting, "I don't like Mondays."
The plot concerns twelve-year-old "Kickstand" Harris (Schultz), who is a self-proclaimed dirt bike champion, though he hasn't mastered all the skills just yet. After several humiliating attempts to win Clover City's monthly dirt bike tournament, the "Corduroy Challenge", Kickstand decides that he needs a new Yamaha GT-X to effectively compete. He takes a summer job from a local store owner, Mr. Humbert (Conway), as a cold-hearted assassin, violently murdering several town officials and an elderly criminal-turned-informant awaiting trial.
Along the way, Kickstand develops romantic feelings for a girl two years his senior, Lily (DeLaney), and tries to gain her affection away from her jealous boyfriend, Chester (Armingham), who is also Kickstand's biggest rival for the upcoming Corduroy Challenge. Fighting the impulse to use his assassin skills to solve his problem (knowing that a non-professional kill will damn his soul to Hell), Kickstand relies on his extensive memory of riddles and jokes to earn Lily's interest, which infuriates Chester.
Seeking revenge, Chester steals Kickstand's GT-X money out of his ceramic Mr. T bank. Once he realizes that he has been robbed, Kickstand asks Mr. Humbert for the use of his ancient amulet to peer into the souls of Clover City's townspeople. Hiding in the bushes outside of the rollerskating rink that night, he spies on Lily and Chester and notices that Chester's soul looks like a blood-soaked dagger, identifying him as the culprit. Kickstand then implores Mr. Humbert to grant him an armada of dirt bikes, promising to pay him back with the Corduroy Challenge prize money and five more assassinations.
With the dirt bike armada in his power, Kickstand uses the fleet (manned by the ghosts of dead teenagers) to terrorize Chester during the tournament. They run him off the road, throw sharp tacks in front of his tires, and shout troubling descriptions of the afterlife. Mr. Humbert activates his amulet to hypnotically inform the audience of Chester's misdeeds and they somberly enjoy the wacky action with silent satisfaction. Kickstand wins the tournament and Mr. T himself presents the new champ with a trophy, prize money, and a lengthy speech about the history of bicycles (rumored to be improvised by Mr. T during filming).
After the ceremony, Mr. Humbert informs Kickstand that he is so proud of him that he can keep his prize money and there will be no more assassinations. However, he goes on to say that a by-product of controlling the dirt bike armada means that Kickstand can never physically love a woman. He also reveals that Lily and her parents have been banished to a mystical floating island over a lost sea. Mr. Humbert then vanishes into thin air and Kickstand screams to the heavens. Chester, still visibly shaken from the hideous visage of spirits from beyond the grave besting him during the Corduroy Challenge, concedes victory to Kickstand and they bitterly shake hands.
The film ends with a blooper reel of actor Tim Conway messing up many of his lines and shouting threats at the child stars.
Dirt Bike Armada was a financial powerhouse in the summer of 1988, grossing $48,000,000 at the domestic box office and an additional $3 million from foreign markets. Its soundtrack spawned several hit songs, including the ubiquitous "Boys Gotta Ride" by C.C. Cobalt. However, the film received mixed-to-poor reviews, with several critics later citing the film as the worst of the decade. Further damning the film's legacy was Yamaha's contractual insistence that the production use its infamously flawed "Gilded Throttle" series, resulting in many on-set accidents and derision from dirt bike aficionados.
A rumored sequel, entitled Tales from the Dirt Bike Freeway, was cancelled in October of 1988 due to a studio accountant absconding to rural New Mexico with the first film's profits. Alfie Schultz quit show business the following year, famously lamenting, "I don't like Mondays."
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
The Extra
At nine a.m., John arrived at the old church where the production assistant had told him to go. They were providing food for anyone that wanted it, but he'd eaten before he left the hotel that morning, eager to get started on that day's scene. And even though he would just be a background player in the film, he had heard enough about the script to know that this would be a project in which he desperately wanted to be involved.
After letting the wardrobe dept. approve his suit, John entered the old church where another P.A. asked him to sit in a pew near the front. The scene was to involve a preacher delivering a sermon. However, murmurs began circulating that the actor playing the preacher had not arrived on set. John was afraid that they would need to shut down production for the day, but then the film's director approached him and asked that he take the role of the preacher. John was very nervous about the offer, but he had some acting training and felt that he could play the part if it would help the producers stay on schedule.
Wardrobe fitted him with the proper attire and John looked over the preacher's lines of dialogue. He became concerned. He'd heard that the script was about a town that was on the verge of transition and the lines reflected approval of the approaching changes. John was not very religious, but he understood that clergymen were oftentimes very conservative and not open to revolutionary ideas. The P.A. then appeared and told John it was time to go to his position.
The church was crowded with extras and the production crew, but John maintained his calm and took his place behind the lectern. He closed his eyes and breathed in the dusty air, finding the preacher inside of him. The large room was quieted and the director called "action."
At that moment, John froze. He had memorized the lines, but these words suddenly didn't make sense to the preacher that now possessed his mind and body. John looked to the ground, steadied his hands on the sides of the lectern, and looked up to his congregation. He knew what he had to do.
"Now a lot of the young people in this here town have been asking why I outlawed dancing in this here town," he began. A few shocked people behind the camera began muttering, but the director hushed them all. John continued his improvised speech.
"I outlawed dancing because it is evil and, in the wrong hands, it can be very sensual too, which I don't think many of the older people in this here town would appreciate. Isn't that right?"
Silence.
"I said, isn't that right?"
"Amen!" someone finally shouted from the back of the church. It was the film's star, Kevin, standing next to the director. He gave John a thumbs up and John, still in character, nodded to him.
He continued improvising dialogue in this way for several minutes, fashioning a back story for not only the preacher, but for the whole town too. John decided that the star's love interest should be the preacher's daughter, so he cleverly inserted that storyline into his monologue as well. He slammed his hand on the lectern to emphasize declarations and held the prop bible up high to show his conviction. Sweat poured from his face as he brought the speech to a rousing conclusion, at which everyone in the church then shouted back a hearty "Amen!"
A hush then fell over the room. John again looked to the floor, fearful that he had ruined the take with his improvisation. Then the room erupted in applause. The director and star approached him, saying that he may have saved the movie with his additions. They would re-shoot several key scenes in order to adopt the new approach, regardless of the extra money it would cost them personally. John smiled and said he was glad to help. He then offered several musical selections from his personal record collection to serve as the film's soundtrack, including Deniece Williams, Mike Reno, and Kenny Loggins, whose contribution would replace the film's original title, "No Dance Town".
After letting the wardrobe dept. approve his suit, John entered the old church where another P.A. asked him to sit in a pew near the front. The scene was to involve a preacher delivering a sermon. However, murmurs began circulating that the actor playing the preacher had not arrived on set. John was afraid that they would need to shut down production for the day, but then the film's director approached him and asked that he take the role of the preacher. John was very nervous about the offer, but he had some acting training and felt that he could play the part if it would help the producers stay on schedule.
Wardrobe fitted him with the proper attire and John looked over the preacher's lines of dialogue. He became concerned. He'd heard that the script was about a town that was on the verge of transition and the lines reflected approval of the approaching changes. John was not very religious, but he understood that clergymen were oftentimes very conservative and not open to revolutionary ideas. The P.A. then appeared and told John it was time to go to his position.
The church was crowded with extras and the production crew, but John maintained his calm and took his place behind the lectern. He closed his eyes and breathed in the dusty air, finding the preacher inside of him. The large room was quieted and the director called "action."
At that moment, John froze. He had memorized the lines, but these words suddenly didn't make sense to the preacher that now possessed his mind and body. John looked to the ground, steadied his hands on the sides of the lectern, and looked up to his congregation. He knew what he had to do.
"Now a lot of the young people in this here town have been asking why I outlawed dancing in this here town," he began. A few shocked people behind the camera began muttering, but the director hushed them all. John continued his improvised speech.
"I outlawed dancing because it is evil and, in the wrong hands, it can be very sensual too, which I don't think many of the older people in this here town would appreciate. Isn't that right?"
Silence.
"I said, isn't that right?"
"Amen!" someone finally shouted from the back of the church. It was the film's star, Kevin, standing next to the director. He gave John a thumbs up and John, still in character, nodded to him.
He continued improvising dialogue in this way for several minutes, fashioning a back story for not only the preacher, but for the whole town too. John decided that the star's love interest should be the preacher's daughter, so he cleverly inserted that storyline into his monologue as well. He slammed his hand on the lectern to emphasize declarations and held the prop bible up high to show his conviction. Sweat poured from his face as he brought the speech to a rousing conclusion, at which everyone in the church then shouted back a hearty "Amen!"
A hush then fell over the room. John again looked to the floor, fearful that he had ruined the take with his improvisation. Then the room erupted in applause. The director and star approached him, saying that he may have saved the movie with his additions. They would re-shoot several key scenes in order to adopt the new approach, regardless of the extra money it would cost them personally. John smiled and said he was glad to help. He then offered several musical selections from his personal record collection to serve as the film's soundtrack, including Deniece Williams, Mike Reno, and Kenny Loggins, whose contribution would replace the film's original title, "No Dance Town".
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